emperors return (preveiw)

[they_shall_know_no_fear22]

this is a preveiw of my warhammer 40k story


Time stopped! So many worlds froze in an instant as the warp tried to penetrate the mortal realm and let loose chaos on the imperium. Inquisitor eisenhorn had just gone to pay his respects to the emperor in the golden thrones peak. For what seemed like months were in a matter of moments when everything resumed and to inquisitor eisenhorn’s horror the emperor of mankind had vanished, there was no body, there was only the seat of the golden throne, he picked himself up from his attempted bow and sprinted down the stairs leading to the dread guards and the adeptus custodes to tell them the terrible news. In a matter of hours the whole imperium on earth went into a panic. Some thanking the emperor for leaving them to become the prophesised star child to rid the galaxy of chaos, whilst others preached about their doom… but all were wrong.

As they met in the room of the high lords of terra they heard a distinct bang three times coming from outside in the golden thrones chamber, they all moved towards the noise unnaturally interested in it, as they moved up the eternity gate they opened slowly emitting a blinding golden light. A large figure stepped through the light towards them long black hair waved to the side and broad carved features covered his face he came within a few steps and the eternity gate closed behind the man revealing his identity.

“Gullimans oath” a ultramarine commander by the name of uriel ventris swore as he saw what could only be the emporer, he stepped forward and looked at the crowd of shocked leaders and said “chaos is at our borders and I have yet to see the imperiums improvements since I left you all to reincarnate once again and.. uriel gulliman is about to wake”. Meanwhile on macragge a adept noticed the wounds that roboute gulliman had once were gone all had faded into the flesh of the primarch and the stasis field broke off after long moments the primarch rose and looked around in disbelief “I don’t remember this place” he then looked at the adept and walked out of the temple of correction and made most haste in getting to the chapter master also known as marneus calgar when gulliman entered marneus could not believe his eyes and instantly bowed down to the primarch the primarch then said “look to terra for I need to travel there right now something bad is about to unfold. Marneus still bowing told his seargents to move and get the available battle barge for the primarch to use.

[IBBoard]

Interesting start, although I'd probably have avoided using so many pre-existing characters in your own story. References and cameos of one or two aren't too bad, but too many from other stories can make the focus move to the characters and not the story.

Other than it needs a bit of work on grammar and capitalisation. A lot of that can be broken down into much shorter and more punchy sentences. The layout for speech is, to a degree, covered in the "Grammar tips" sticky at the top of the forums.

I'd be interested to see where this leads, though.

[they_shall_know_no_fear22]

thanks need suggestions for the story i use a lot of characters that pre exist in a story to bring them together for example graham mcneils uriel ventris wat a amazing author its more a tribute to many characters the story will also play on the myths of the return of primarchs

[IBBoard]

The thing with bringing characters together is mainly that they're not necessarily in similar areas, likely to interact, or sometimes not even able to interact (due to timeline issues). I guess that's part of the advantage of FanFiction, that you don't necessarily have to be quite so strict with who would meet who, but from a personal viewpoint I'd prefer to see one or two existing characters at the most and then how they interact with a collection of original characters (OC). The 40K universe is big enough and diverse enough that you could come up with loads of your own OCs.

I can't say I remember reading any of Graham McNeil (although from the looks of his bibliography then I might have read a short by him in one of the compilations), so I can't really comment on the Uriel Ventris stories. If they are good then it'd make a change to many of the newer authors, IMO.

Also, please use punctuation and grammar in your posts. It can make it quite hard to read and follow if you don't break a post up into sentences.