All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

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All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby Frond at 02 Feb 2007, 21:41

Hey guys, this is my first atempt at fanfiction and it has not got far... but i thought i might post to see if it was worth continuing.
Last edited by Frond on 02 Feb 2007, 22:03, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Frond at 02 Feb 2007, 21:42

Warning: this story may vary from warhammer 40k facts slightly, I either don’t know the fact in question or it is necessary for the story.
Chapter 1.

Captain William Lincon of the 11th Kado regiment of the Imperial Guard swore as a speeding bullet clipped him in his bionic arm. The impact was sufficient enough to spin him a full 180 degrees back into the command bunker where he landed with a sucking sound into the boggy surface. There had been torrential rain for over a week now, reducing the so called bunker to a pile of extremely treacherous sagging sandbags and rusting steel and the ground under foot to bog.
After pulling himself free of the sucking mud and ensuring that there was no serious damage done to his arm he climbed back out to find that someone had let of a smoke grenade, making it impossible for him to see.
Letting out another series of curses he lowered his heat sensitive goggles and advanced into the smoke, trademarked heavy stubber leveled at waste height, turning on the torch that was clipped onto the barrel in place of the usual bayonet, as he went.

The micro-vox in his helmet crackled and the voice of Chenkov, his Vox-operator, sounded in his ear,
“The enemy is retreating, most of the survivors are on Jet bikes and they are easily outrunning even the Chimeras and Sentinels.”
“See if the Storm Troopers and grav-droppers can intercept them, as it is, hold position 430D in ambush incase they return.”
“Yes sir, over and out,” said Chenkov.

Lincon cautiously advanced and studied the ruined hive around him and sighed. Arriving here certainly had been a baptism of fire as the 11th Kado were accustomed to the yawning distance and sub-zero temperatures of the ash wastes of the Klatran system and not to the cramped, hot, bloody combat of urban battle. His helmet speakers buzzed into life again and Chenkov’s voice said
“The Storm Troopers have been given the green light, E.T.A 3 minutes, they should infiltrate less then 100M in front of the enemy’s position, I am sending you a Hololithic of the area.”
A second later the p.c Lincon had strapped to his wrist started blinking. He activated it and a holographic image of the enemy’s position appeared, they were retreating down a huge boulevard with the buildings on either side still intact.
“Chenkov, hold position at the entrance of the boulevard, I will be with you in less then a minute.”
“Yes sir, out”
Advancing quicker now he began to see the outlines of his men through the rain but before he called out he heard the sound of displaced ruble sliding down a slope behind him.
He froze, all senses alert, did he have a shadow? A second slide of ruble confirmed his fears and he spun around just in time to se a tall man in the amour of the elder halfway through a flying tackle which impacted like a sledge hammer shot to the chest, forcing his carapaice armor to buckle.
He hit the ground hard, through the sound of his own attempt get his breath back, the buckling armor not helping, he heard the click of a round being drawn back into it’s chamber and his instincts took over completely.
He quickly rolled out of the way so the bullet just clipped his ear, sending a spray of crimson over his eyes, a few inches across and it would have been between the eyes.
He then pushed up and rolled backwards, landing in a crouch and just missed another bullet that impacted with the ruined paving stones, sending a spray of sharp stone chippings in every direction.
From his crouching position he leapt at his opponent, who was momentarily blinded by the spray of chippings, and knocked the gun from his hand and knocking him to the ground. Lincon wasted no time, and sprang up and saw his opponent still on the ground. He took hold of his opponent’s leg and, using the strength from his bionic arm, swung him into a low wall to their left. His opponent hit the wall with a sickening crack, but Lincon could not give him anytime to get up and sprung on him, rapping his legs around the Eldar’s waist and his hands around his neck, and began squeezing the life out of him.
At first the Eldar struggled wildly, trying to brake free, but he slowly lost energy and finally stopped breathing.
Lincon got up shakily, breathing heavily, he closed his eyes for a moment to suppress the horror of what he had just done. No matter how many times he killed, it never became easy.
He arrived at the ambush zone 20 seconds later. Chenkov, a long time friend, took one look at him, his bruises and buckled armor a rushed over to him, calling for a medic as he went, but Lincon waved them away and walked towards his command squad, Chenkov in tow.
In front of him was his personal guard of hand picked veterans, one with the company banner, another tending to the injured, and more looking over the hastily erected barricades of ruble.
One figure stood out, Commissioner Platen had a scowl on his face and was obviously displeased. Lincon sighed; he grew tired of the old fool. As commendable as his faith to the Emperor was, his attitude of shoot first, questions never, was old and out of date and thankfully attitudes were changing.
“What is wrong, Commissioner?” Lincon asked.
“We should be chasing the xeno scum, not hiding here like dogs,” spat Platen “if it was not for your reputation, I would kill you where you stand.”
“Trust me sir,” replied Lincon calmly “we do not want to get into close combat against the Eldar, as it is, they will be forced back down towards us, like water into a bottle neck, and we will then open fire, annihilating the enemy.” He finished satisfied.
“I still don’t think…” Platen began to growl but was interrupted by Chenkov saying,
“Sir, I have had word that the Death Wing has finally made it through the warp anomaly and are readying to teleport down.”
Lincon’s heart lifted greatly as the Death Wing was a unique selection of Space Marines clad exclusively in Terminator armor, if they arrived on time, they could not only turn the battle but the whole campaign.
“How long?” he asked.
“They estimate 5 minutes.” replied Chenkov.
“And the Storm Troopers?” He pushed.
“They have already landed, the enemy is retreating towards us as you predicted, sir.” said Chenkov.
“Good, circulate the order the prepare weapons, tell the men to aim for the bikes if possible, I want to interrogate as many as possible.”
At that moment there was call from one of the sentries,
“Enemies approaching!”
“Fire at will!” screamed Lincon so that all his men heard.
His words were drowned out by the crackle of lasguns and the earsplitting boom of heavy-weapons teams.
He quickly scaled the rubble barricades and began to fire he heavy stubber on semi-automatic at the approaching bikes.
The enemy had more numbers then he had thought, along with Whraithlords and Grav-tanks.
He saw a small group of Eldar Bikers rush forward and he opened fire, felling one of them, but there was still too much, and they were speeding straight towards him, all armed with lethal-looking close-combat weapons which were crackling with energy.
They were going to kill him, he realized, he would not get to see this hive liberated.
Then a hail of bullets sped out of the windows of a nearby building, striking rider and bikes, felling them all in a second.
Lincon glanced at the building and saw a unit of Rattling Snipers already choosing another target, felling all-comers with an organized hail of bullets.
He quickly directed his attention back to the battle putting his heavy stubber on automatic and started blasting at anything that moved.
Then he felt something, in his head he felt a buzzing and suddenly knew something very bad had happened. It was like a sixth sense that he had, and it only alerted him at time of great time of danger.
He ducked, just in time, as a shining blade whizzed over his head and hit one of his comrades disappeared in a spray of blood.
Lincon whipped round and saw, through a hail of blades, hundreds of Jet bikes, Vypers, grav-tanks and Eldar with jet-packs were streaming from the stormy sky, illuminated by lightening.
“Eldar reinforcements, 6 o’clock!” Lincon screamed into the mike on his helmet.
His men spun around as even more were cut down by the singing blades of death.

Then he saw something terrifying, a single Eldar was flying towards his front lines, two long, curved knives in his hands.
Lincon did not know what was so terrifying about the solitary figure, made the fact that the bike he was riding was plated in gold, or that the bike seemed to be steering itself or maybe it was that the figure was about to jump into the front line.
When it landed it’s blades were already swinging through the air and the landed in the chest of a Storm Trooper. Lincon blinked in surprise and in that moment the figure had slashed three more men’s necks and was slashing at more.
The figure fought like in a dance, twisting, turning, pirouetting leaving blood and dead bodies in it’s wake.
Lincon watched in amazement as the whole squad of Storm Troopers assaulted it, blocking it momentarily from view with there mass of bodies, but only momentarily as in a couple of seconds, twenty Storm Troopers were dead and the figure had moved on.
Some men managed to raise their bayonets, but whatever the deadly enemy’s blades touched cracked and crumbled to nothing.
Then the figure was twenty feet above him and coming down blades crackling with deadly energy.
His sixth sense screamed at him, and it seemed to take over his body, and as quick as lightening, he had drew his long power sword, and held it up just in time to block the deadly knives that crashed onto it and, amazingly, the blade held.
Then he noticed a lull in the combat around him, as Eldar and Humans alike were staring at them.
Lincon did not understand then, but, when his weapon had failed to break, the physic force that his opponent’s weapon held had been sent out like ripples in a pond.
The force was sufficient to make humans involuntarily spin around to the source. Its effect of the far more Eldar, who had far more acute senses was devastating, resulting in wide spread nose bleeds and quite a few deaths.
The figure stopped dead, it’s mask’s eyes glinting wickedly, and slowly drew its knives away.
It reached up and removed its mask. Lincon blinked at the worrier in front of him, taking in every detail.
Long, silky black hair framed a pale, beautiful face, dazzling green eyes gazed out at him from under long eyelashes and it seemed to Lincon that the whole world seemed to stop.
He realized the woman was speaking and forced himself out of his trance,
“My name is Sabrial Firesong, and this world belongs to the Eldar, step aside or you will all die.” She announced not just to him, but all the Imperial Guardsmen there.
Lincon slowly lifted his helmet off his head, his shortcut brown hair and blue eyes in sharp contrast with her appearance.
“I am Captain William Lincon of the Imperial Guard, xenologist of the ordos xenos and I challenge you to single hand to hand combat.”…

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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby Frond at 06 Feb 2007, 18:18

sigh, is nobody there?

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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby IBBoard at 06 Feb 2007, 18:58

Sorry, it's a fairly quite forum. TGSC and Simguinus appear make an appearance more frequently than most, but people have a bad habit of signing up and not posting, or posting once or twice and disappearing :\ Even when I start threads on whatever I can think of, people don't tend to post in them too much.

I didn't get a chance to read the story over the weekend or yesterday (been busy setting my computer up after I reinstalled my Dev stuff) and I won't get a chance tonight (got some website bits to do then I'm watching a DVD with my fiancee) so I'll try to get it read tomorrow and give you some feedback :)
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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby Frond at 06 Feb 2007, 21:13

Thanks =)

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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby IBBoard at 07 Feb 2007, 18:51

Sounds like a good start to a story that you should definitely carry on. Just a couple of points though - all constructive in their criticism. Most of them are fluff points :)

Be careful of grammar. You've got a few mistakes in there that are mainly covered in the sticky in the forum (I think). Also, make sure you're consistent - the first time the Eldar attacks you call him an 'elder'. Beware of long and unwieldy sentences as well. Some of your commas would be best replaced with fullstops.

The start with the bunker and the mud doesn't sound like the hive that it turns in to. Hives may get rain, but they're normally concrete (or a 40K equivalent) until you get down to the sludgy layers of the Underhive (where the Guard as less likely to fight). Also, if there's a hive on the planet then the Eldar are likely to have attacked the humans to get them off their world much earlier (i.e. before they built the hive).

A Captain wouldn't normally carry a heavy weapon - that's what you've got muscle-headed grunts for. I don't think the story would lose much if he had some form of finely crafted bolter (and it'd be easier for him to draw his powersword, too!)

It's a minor issue, and people may disagree, but with the Eldar being expert fighters who train in the art of war isn't likely to lower himself to a rugby tackle. AFAIK the Eldar shuriken guns/pistols wouldn't have a click as they loaded either, since they work by spinning up a disc rather than cocking a hammer on a bullet.

I think your commissioner should be a Commissar.

What's the 'p.c.' that you call the Captain mean?

Xenologists are much more likely to be scientists than warriors (who would feel that the Xenos should be destroyed by might rather than being studied). AFAIK the Ordo Xenos don't have much in the way of dedicated Guardsmen, I think they're mainly drafted in rather than permanent. They normally favour the Deathwatch company of the Adeptus Astartes.

Nice introduction of what I'm assuming is a Harlequin. They may have changed it recently, but I thought Harlequin Troopes didn't normally fight alongside normal Eldar of the Craftworlds (although I guess you haven't explicitly mentioned craftworlds)

Hope those points help :)
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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby Frond at 07 Feb 2007, 19:30

Whew, thanks.
Alot of the spelling mistakes are my P.Cs faut, auto correct will be the death of me.
I do my story for the read, but try to stick to facts aswell, i think extra details put here and there would sort out most of the stuff mentioned.
I might have got "Hive" wrong, but i thought it was a city, and like any citythey can be built up or they can sprawl out for miles, the next part will explane more about the enviroment.
I think i will finish the chapter and post here befor i make corections.
P;S: what is a Harlequin?

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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby IBBoard at 08 Feb 2007, 08:49

Eldar Harlequin on Wikipedia
Eldar Harlequin image search

Harlequins are gymnastic and acrobatic Eldar who seemed the most likely to be doing the leaping around you mentioned.

As for Hives, they're specifically large sprawling (and tall) constructions of large numbers of layers found on Hive Worlds. Our logo is an example of what one looks like (think of it being miles, if not ten miles high or more ;)) One of our HWT banners gives a better impression of a hive compared to the surrounding land. There's also this page that's all in Magyar, but contains a link to a picture of a hive half way down.

Hope that clears things up :)
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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby Frond at 08 Feb 2007, 21:09

Ok, how about if i change "Hive" to "setlement"?
Also, I think The guard would not know so much about the eldar.
And about the wepons, i got a good idea, how about dual shotguns?

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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby IBBoard at 08 Feb 2007, 21:50

Dual shotguns are a bit unwieldy - it's a little difficult to fire a two handed weapon from each hand. It may be possible though, I guess, since you can get skills in the Necromunda game that let you fire a lasgun one handed (although the other hand may possibly only be usable with a pistol)

Settlement would do in place of Hive, or even city, since not all cities are hive cities (it depends on the class of world)

I'm not sure what you mean about the Eldar, though. The average Guardsman wouldn't necessarily know detail of the Eldar, but they may hear rumours of the bright jesters known as the Harlequins. Even if they didn't, that doesn't stop you calling them it in your story :)
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RE: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby Death Row at 02 Mar 2007, 14:51

Well Done, I myself am not a good Story Writer, But I love reading them. Good Work!

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Re: All is Fair in Love and War... Preview.

Postby Xanaz at 22 Sep 2007, 21:28

The story has a decent plot and left me intrigued, looking forward to reading more.
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