Frozen Soul a Warhammer 40k Fan Fiction

[Slayer_Requiem]

Clink…

A single noise as I flow through the dark pillars and pipes running faster than the average man could dream, my body screaming at me as I slip an inch below a low hanging pipe, steam billowing from a damaged joint. My eyes alight with my prey-sight goggles. No normal guardsmen could catch me, but send enough and they could easily overwhelm my position.

Clink…Clink…Stomp…

I stop at the edge of the railing and look down at the ruined section a massive hold leading down into the steaming mists, before a sigh escapes my lips and I turn back to face my pursuers, hands raised in a gesture of surrender. My only thoughts are of her, my failure to reach her. Hopefully she was able to escape while I distracted them. Several guardsmen surrounded me, lasguns aimed at random zones of my body.

I easily noted that only two had a lethal shot and sneered. Then He came tall for a normal man, and built like a true servant of the imperium of man, he was truly a sight. His Rosette hung from the very necklace I had given him. My best friend. Inquistor Danius Malix, his eyes looked into my goggles and I sighed before removing them, my trained eyes easily adjusting to the darkness.

“Assassin CODE: 11X47. You have been found guilty of heresy of the second order. However, I will give you one chance to redeem yourself. Tell me your reasons and I may pardon you.”
I knew it. My eyes began to flow as I closed them and let out a shaky breath when they opened again a modified bolt pistol was aimed at my chest. I knew that lies would serve nothing,
“Love.” My own voice sounded like rock and gravel even to me. I spoke so rarely, it was from disuse. The inquisitor seemed to look at me as if I had gone mad. In a moment kindness was replaced by unending rage.

“Love!? Love! You fool! The Enemy cannot love you in return. No matter how human…no matter how…” however he stopped and sighed closing his eyes as a single figure stepped out from behind him. It was the only other friend I had in the world. Storm Trooper Ira Vel, a Cadian.

“Fesk, Flowing through Night.” He said in our private cant. And I wanted to laugh, maybe even cry. She’d escaped, but she was gone as well. I felt myself take an Involuntary step back and almost slipped away to the mists.

“Fellows, Gest in Black.” I spoke again wincing at my own voice before nodding and looking towards Danius.

“Assassin, for the account of high treason and heresy, even going far enough to fall in love with a wretched Xeno, I must now sentience you to death…” several of the Guardsmen prepared to fire but her merely raised a hand and aimed his pistol a single round roaring out of the barrel and every inch of my body reacted.

The next moment I saw the sky and a high wall, I was falling an impossible distance. Too far even for me to survive, moments before the Mists of Caliga calmed my sight, I saw my friends’ faces once more etched in worry and impotence as I feel.

“Evesiler…” I whispered as I thought of my beloved and the past six months. The only bright moments I’ve ever known in this dark time in which I was born.
---
To be Continued…

Tell me what you think. I’ll post more if its good. I really love Warhammer and promise longer chapters if it’s enjoyed, but mostly this was a test of my first person skills. This is also my first post here! Hi!

Not that there is some hard to understand parts as this has Inquistorial Cant in it from a DH-Ascension game. Which is also the basis for this. So hope you enjoy until the next segment.

Disclaimer: Everything here owned by GW is owned by GW not me or the site I am posting this.

[IBBoard]

Sorry for the delay in commenting - I've been busy with computer troubles and trying to get the next release of WarFoundry ready when I wasn't fixing my machine.

I like the premise, but I always find first-person a bit difficult to read at first. I loved the Eisenhorn and Ravenor novels, but they took me a chapter or two to get used to. The language works well and the speech seems fitting. There are some sentences that are a bit long, some that seem to have punctuation swapped (commas where a fullstop should be, followed by a fullstop where a comma should be) and a couple of typos, but you should be able to fix them fairly easily.

I hope you write and post more, even if I am a bit late in reviewing

[Slayer_Requiem]

Six months earlier

Bang!

Bang!

Bang!

Recreation. A pointless idea. I had to my skills sharp and poised. It was almost a like a heresy to waste time. However I always ended up playing some sort of game with my friends. A Cadian Storm Trooper and a masterful Interrogator of the Inquisition. It was a hard road to travel at times. They were so…vivid, alive, and caring. I on the other hand was raised to be something more, and yet so much less.

I am a killer. Trained by another killer who believed that only by serving as an effective tool could we rival the best assassins in the imperium. I was the fruit of generations of teachings. I am the assassin with code names and shadows for identification. I am however not tied to the secret officos, although I suspect my teachings are based on them.

“Hey X, are you ever going to lighten up?” Danius the interrogator asked calmly as he dealt out another hand of cards as I took silent aim at the target exactly 50 meters away and smirked a bit before taking three more shots from my Felesk Class, mark IX snub barreled pistol. I only used it for practice because of its heavy recoil and poor accuracy.

Bang!

Bang!

Bang!

“No.” I responded curtly, my voice sounding like something you’d get from a gravel pit, mixed with a monotone vox bead. I made sure to check my hits. All where I wanted them, as usual, before looking to Danius.

Danius wasn’t like me, he was a noble. Born from old blood and with connections most men could only dream of. His uncle was a rogue trader, a rather famous one at that and his father was a master of an entire subsector of imperial space. His mother was a navy general, it was just too much for one person to be able to call on.

“Leave the brat be Danius, he’ll change once he gets a woman.” Ira stated with a slight chuckle as he took a swig from his personal flask of drink and smirked a bit. It made his scared face look a bit frightening. However, some would say that’s only true if you were too green to know what you should truly fear in the Imperium. Of course, they are wrong. Ira has fought and killed every enemy man has to offer up and has continued to walk away from it, with a smile. Insane, Dangerous, and Cadian…the worst kind of enemy.

I calmly slipped my hand over my cards and remained expressionless as I tossed two into the pile and waited before the others follow dropping two and three, respectively. Danius smiled as he moved to deal out the new cards but the sound of the “Recreation” room opening caught our attention. A beautiful woman stepped in, by human standards. Red hair, blue eyes, pouty lips, smooth skin, and a armored bodyglove. Most wouldn’t leave a woman like that alone, until they looked closer of course. She was an Inquistor, and a psyker. Her name was Jyslee Vains.

I don’t know much about her, except that she was a respected Inquisitor among some circles and she was young for an Inquisitor of her experience and reputation. Only months older than Danius who would be celebrating his 28th Terran year soon. I however, would be celebrating my nineteenth.

“Gentlemen, I have a minor announcement and a major one…” as her eyes locked with Danius, and they continued to stare at one another for just a moment too long. I had known for months. Ira however was more easily fooled. I merely unloaded my pistol and took it apart as she explained the next destination and the problem there. Danius and Ira had served with her for most of her Inquisitorial career and I was the newbie, I suppose. One year wasn’t much after all.

“In other news, after submission of the Velexian Cult’s extermination a shift has happened.” She said curtly before looking to Danius and smiling a bit “However, that will have to wait until we meet up with Devout Rightiousness.” Now that me even pay attention, it wasn’t every day that Danius’s father’s personal and unique cruiser is out and about.

“I see Lady Inquisitor. Shall I finish here and, then move onto discuss the detail more privately?” he said glancing about and she with a nod stepped out to ‘discuss‘ things in her quarters. I had as usual ignored her announcements; they were rarely of importance. More often than not a cover. This time was different, but the ends were the same and Danius quickly moved to exit.

I followed him into the frigate’s corridor and calmly put a hand onto his shoulder, before looking him in the eye. I knew he could tell, I wasn’t trying to be mysterious as she would be. I Reached up and pulled the vial from my side and held it up for him to take. he smiled a bit relieved before walking away, with a cheerful wave. He knew I knew, and always asked me to procure the birth control drug.

However, even I tend to make mistakes. I realized only far too late as I returned to my quarters, impeccable and clean with rows of the birth control drug and of a special drug I knew how to make even onboard a rationed vessel, it helped with stress and kept the mind cool, as well as increasing vigor. It was called Lynx. It took only moments for me to realize I had given him Lynx instead, annoying blue liquids and the same vials, although had I been paying more attention, I wouldn’t have taken it.

It took me only moments to regret it, Lynx was expensive and it was also what I used to ignore the pain in my back. I cursed silently as my back began to burn and my shoulders ached, shakily reaching up and taking one of the blue vials and drinking from it. The effect was quick and steady. My back began to feel better and I let out a sigh. My thoughts drifting to Danius’s problem again that I had created. Poor guy, although I suppose the main reason he asked me was the similarities in the drugs.

However, it meant little. Odds were in his favor, and chances were that she too was taking precautions. At least that’s what I reasoned before opening my trunk. Coolant leaked out as my weapons trunk opened and revealed the dozens of pistols and five rifles I had ready for use. My twin swords were hidden behind a faux support beam near my bed, and they were well cared for. I carefully eyed them before pressing a small switch hidden on one of the stocks holding the rifles. Another compartment opened, holding my most deadly pair of ballistic tools.

Thalix Class code three-one-six grade two; solid projectile weapons. The pistol was perfect, and fired the largest pistol rounds possible without reducing accuracy, range, or clip. The rifle however was another story, it was a bolt action death bringer. It was listed on the top ten deadliest solid round weapons in the Imperium. Its exact number is classified. The weapon is technically illegal. However, being in an assassin made the problem easy to solve.

I closed the trunk and sighed a bit before shrugging off my clothes and doing a few routine exercises before an annoying pict caught my attention and I pulled it over. I never understood why I kept it. I suppose it’s because it’s the only evidence I exist. I am there with my thin face and dark eyes, hair as black as my body glove. I suppose I could be called handsome but when compared to the man to my left in the picture it would be hard to see.

Danius was an extremely attractive man, and he knew it. From dressing in the best clothes (when it was appropriate) his charisma however made him perfect, he could have been a lord among hive gangers, a diplomat without equal, or a trade master. However, the route he stood upon now was one he could ride to the top of power in the Imperium. He was a perfect man. And sadly I know of the fate of most of the other ‘perfect’ people in the imperium’s history.

Ira was another story. He was bald, scarred, and nasty. But he was also in an open relationship with a woman so opposite from him, it was almost worth laughing over. However, both always so happy to be with the other, he also mentioned that they had two children, whom he sends a large sum of his pay to every time he can. In a firefight however there is no better man to be with in the Imperium, on his record is listed three Imperial Class medals, one from the Chapter Master of the Ultramarines for exceptional service to the Emperor, the only story he doesn’t boast about.

I didn’t like what was happening, but in three days…I would know. Until then, I would wait and train. Prepare.

“I am the knife that slowly twists in the back of Man’s enemies…” I whispered, my voice sounding monotone but human for once as I stared into a mirror for a moment and sneered. I would be ready. No matter what.
---
To be Continued…

Disclaimer: I don’t own Warhammer 40000.

In The Grim Darkness of the 41st Millennium there is...Only War

Note: Yeah, I can understand the dislike for first person, I just seem to be able to write a smoother story if its from a perspective.

[IBBoard]

Somehow, I think this bit worked a little better in the first-person than my initial impressions of the first section. Oddly, I thought they were on a planet at first, so it seemed a bit odd when you said "frigate corridor".

Be careful of your grammar. You've got a few missing capitalisations, some missing parenthetical commas and some incorrect punctuation in your speech. There are a few sentences that run on and could be punchier if you split them as well. Some people might not notice it, but my wife is an aspiring author and founder of a "beta reading" website, so I notice these things

I like the intrigue that is being generated over the assassin, although I'm not sure how long an non-temple assassin would survive before being hunted down. I'd expect it would make the Inquisitor slightly rogue as well. The birth control is probably realistic and something that gets ignored by most people, but I found it a little jarring, probably for exactly that reason. Having young Inquisitors could work well as well, but I'd double-check that they're not too young. I got the impression that Eisenhorn or Ravenor started quite young, but still old for most professions.

[Slayer_Requiem]

Yeah, I could add in more descriptions of the ship to the early chapter. I have no beta sadly and none are available to me at this time, so things get missed even when I proofread it.

Ironically there are plenty of non-temple assassins out there. Most aren't. They just aren't good enough to be considered. The big thing about X is that his training supposedly brought him to their level. Now if that got out...

Also I could easily slip it into the background more, but I was trying to exemplify that X has a close attention to the little details. as for Age, the Inquisition (As stated in Codex I have...I think its an DH or a older bit) cares not for age, looks, or source. Only Devotion and Skill.

[IBBoard]

I guess there will be "killers for hire" with assassin-like skills that aren't the product of any temple. It has been a while since I read the Assassin background, so I was just expecting most of them to be temple assassins.

As for the Inquisition, I haven't read the Codex, only what was in various magazines. I expect they wouldn't be picky about age, but they do have the apprenticeship-style periods, as Ravenor did with Eisenhorn. They won't really be a full Inquisitor until they've finished that, so there will be a minimum age at which they'd proven themselves sufficiently based on the amount of experience and exposure they'd need. That's not to say that their ages are necessarily wrong, just that my initial impression was that they were younger than I'd expected, even for an excellent Inquisitor.

In terms of the grammar, the main things to watch out for were:

• Punctuation of speech: if you have a 'speech tag', such as "he said" or "Bob stated" then the speech ends with a comma and the tag isn't capitalised, unless it is a proper noun
• Direct address: if you have speech that mentions someone (e.g. "Don't do that, Bob") then you need a comma before the person's name (e.g. “Leave the brat be, Danius, ...”)
• Parenthetical commas: If a phrase is optional and the sentence reads as a complete sentence then it should have a comma before and after it, not just in one of those places it (unless it is at the start or end of a sentence). e.g. "His uncle was a rogue trader, a rather famous one at that, and his father was a master of an entire subsector of Imperial space." since "His uncle was a rogue trader and his father was a master of an entire subsector of imperial space." is still a complete sentence.
• Introductory phrases: If you introduce a sentence with an introductory phrase (such as "However") then you should put a comma after it. It's a bit like a parenthetical comma because it is an extra that could be removed, only the first comma is at the start of the sentence and so isn't written.
• Comma placement: re-read the text and take a pause on each comma (but don't over do it, or you'll make things worse!) and see how it reads. Some of your text has the commas in the wrong place
• Capitalisation: There are a few phrases you've used that you should check the capitalisation for - both for canon accuracy and for consistency. Things like "Imperial" (referring to the Imperium) rather than "imperial" (referring to an empire in general), and Inquisitor is a title so it is generally capitalised

Hopefully those pointers will help My wife's website is called Perfect Imagination. It has a heavy Harry Potter leaning, plus a load of other fandoms, but no GW at the moment (not enough interest/skill base). There are some beta readers who'll do original and other fandom work, though, so it might be worth checking it out and seeing if someone there has the time to help you tidy up the little points in the story

[Slayer_Requiem]

Thanks a lot, I'll go over the original files and work them over before reposting them over the current ones. I have a weakness in grammar, and I may make them older.